THE EIGHT ABSOLUTE WORST GIFTS YOU COULD GIVE YOUR WIFE (The Stir)
1) A Weight Watchers Scale. Really, this can apply to any type of scale, but a Weight Watchers one with inspirational phrases just seems to make things worse. And seriously, WTF are you thinking? A scale? Do you have a death wish? Why don't you just buy her an XXXL T-shirt that says, "My husband thinks I'm morbidly obese"?
2) A Lip Waxing Kit. Yeah, see, there is absolutely no way to explain this one. None. You're toast. You're history. You'll be sleeping on the couch if you're lucky. And good luck trying to sleep with a baseball bat shoved up where the sun don't shine.
3) Porn. Yeah, I know some women do actually like it. And I "hear" that guys enjoy watching this stuff too. But giving porn to your wife as a present pretty much says, "I think you suck in bed, and not in the good way. Watch this and you may learn a thing or three."
4) A Vacuum Cleaner. This goes for most appliances. Toaster. Microwave. Iron. These are more like necessities for your house. Things your wife will use to make YOUR life loads better and easier. Don't insult her by thinking she loves doing all those chores and is just dreaming of a new Dyson vacuum.
5) Feminine Hygiene Products.Yes, women use these every single month, but really, you're going to give the woman you love basically a membership to the Tampon of the Month Club?
6) PlayStation 3. Wow, that's a real generous gift you're ponying up! And it comes with a slew of violent first-person shooter and sports games? You're too too kind. Maybe you'll pause long enough to let your wife go get you a beer.
7) Gift Certificate to BoobJobsRUs. It's one thing to joke with your wife about getting a boob job (BTW, don't joke with your wife about getting a boob job), but actually buying her gift certificates to have it done is an entirely different story.
8) Spanx. Okay, so yes, you know about them. But you're not supposed to. Let women keep their secret. Don't ruin the lie.